President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Texas Rangers home opener on Monday.  Then in the third inning, he told the fans "Mission Accomplished" and declared the game officially over. 

President Obama correctly picked the University of North Carolina to win the NCAA basketball tournament.  Unfortunately for the country, Tim Geithner put ten million on Michigan State. 

During his surprise visit Tuesday to Iraq, President Obama was warmly greeted by US troops. Because they really want an iPod. 

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il was re-elected . . . as the most androgynous-looking dictator ever.

North Korea's Kim Jong Il declared his missile launch a gigantic success even though it fell prematurely.  Said his wife, "That sounds familiar."

Health experts and advocates for the elderly are debating when Alzheimer's patients should stop driving.  Other drivers of course hope the answer is "at red lights". 

A new study finds that almost one in five American 4 year-olds is obese.  Critics say those numbers are flawed, which is obviously something a fat baby's parents would say. 

In an effort to make people feel guilty for eating seafood, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants to change the word "fish" to "sea kittens".  Their plan backfired, however, when Catholics nationwide accidentally ate cats on Good Friday. 

This Sunday is Easter. When millions of Americans will search and search for their hidden nest eggs. 

General Motors and Segway on Tuesday introduced the PUMA, a new two-wheeled, two-seat electric vehicle that they say is a fast, inexpensive and clean alternative to traditional cars and trucks. In other words, GM needs another 60 days to figure things out, Mr. President.

Skin cancer is now the number one cancer in Britain.  Finally unseating six-time champ Madonna.

Nintendo announced that it will not cut prices for its popular gaming systems.  Creating even more incentive for its fans to get off the couch and get a job. 

Barack Obama assured Muslim nations that the U.S. is not at war with Islam.  Because unbridled and unnecessary fear is no way to run a country…unless of course you're talking about how the planet warmed up by half a degree in twelve years.

Joe Biden threw out the first pitch at a Baltimore Orioles game.  Meanwhile, his daughter's friend photographed her snorting the third base line. 

In the wake of his recent DUI arrest video in which he trashed New York, Yankee pitcher Joba Chamberlain said that he loves the Big Apple.  But he was drunk when he said it.

Yankee fans are wondering if it's too early to start worrying.  Not about the season, but about saving enough to afford a seat at the new stadium.

Seattle Mariners star Ichiro Suzuki has an ulcer. Doctors said it's perfectly normal after a player finally realizes that he plays for the Mariners.

Oklahoma forward Courtney Paris promised to give back her scholarship money because they didn't win a national title in women's basketball.  But her lawyer said she's not obliged, because nobody cares.

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, The Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.