General Motors said it would decide this week what to do with its struggling Hummer brand. They would have done this last week, but some douche with a Hummer took up three parking spaces and everyone had to circle the lot until now. 

Madonna arrived in Malawi this week prepared to adopt a 4-year-old girl from the country. Thus kicking off this year's Madonna – Angelina Jolie Fantasy Draft. 

A new reality dating show will premiere on Fox featuring guys dating plus-size women.  Fox calls it "More to Love,"; BET calls it, "Regular Programming". 

Three boys looking for old bottles instead discovered a prehistoric relic in Michigan.  Local experts call it "Ford's profitability". 

Three of President Obama's choices for the NCAA Final Four lost.  As a result, he forced their coaches to resign. 

Because of rising production costs, both Marvel and DC will be raising the prices of their comic books from $2.99 to $3.99 an issue. To offset the extra cost, collectors are asking their moms to reduce their rent. 

Alaska's Mount Redoubt erupted this week, sending thick ash as high as 25,000 feet into the air.  The announcement was made when Governor Sarah Palin said, "I can no longer see Russia from my house."

The World Wildlife Fund, which organized Sunday's Earth Hour, in which people were asked to shut off their lights for an hour, said the event was a huge success. It would have been a bigger success, however, if Jessica Simpson found the discipline to shut off the light in her fridge. 

Police in Salt Lake City are searching for a man who fired two shots at a McDonald's after the drive-thru operator told him they were not serving lunch yet. Authorities did commend him, however, on being able to hear anything that was said through a McDonald's drive thru.  

The dreaded Conficker worm proved to be largely ineffective.  So much so, it's now being called the Conficker stimulus package. 

The U.S. Postal Service will issue new stamps featuring characters from "The Simpsons".  They made the announcement when the Postmaster General begged the government for more D'oh!

John McCain wants the President to pardon Jack Johnson, a black boxer convicted 100 years ago for dating a white woman.  McCain has a special interest in the case, however, because he used to be Johnson's babysitter. 

Sprint announced that it will remain a part of NASCAR's premier racing series.  Just as long as the drivers don't go through tunnels, cross state lines, or try to call when it's too windy outside. 

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, the Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.