President Obama is sending 500 more agents to the southwestern border to fight Mexican drug cartels.  And to even the playing field, they're all going in one car.

Hillary Clinton wants to reassure Mexico that the U.S. will help fight their drug war.  I see . . . now it's Americans doing jobs that Mexicans won't do. 

Lance Armstrong said his injured shoulder may keep him from competing in France.  Ironically, being a quitter will officially make him a citizen there.

Blockbuster will sell and rent movies through TiVo.  The announcement was made when Vin Diesel scratched out the words "straight to video" on his bio and replaced it with the words "straight to TiVo". 

Scientists found a new species of frog in New Guinea.  It's just like the amphibians we have here in America, only it's never been photographed smoking a bong. 

Alaskan volcano Mount Redoubt has sent loads of ash into the atmosphere.  So much so, the air in Alaska is almost as dim as Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama insists that he won't make decisions out of anger.  Because you have to keep a level head when picking your Final Four. 

Billionaire Charles Simonyi wants to spend another 35 million dollars to return to space.  Because the Earth's orbit is the only place where that kind of money is safe from the President. 

Participants in this year's Video Game Conference expressed concerns about the recession.  Specifically, will these hard times force their moms to finally charge rent? 

Phillies ace Cole Hammels is set to pitch this season.  In fact, he's so ready to play in Philadelphia, he's already bad-mouthing the Mets. 

Broncos coach Josh McDaniels said that Jay Cutler is still their quarterback.  This was confirmed by the wailing coming from Cutler's locker.

Japan has now won the World Baseball Classic twice.  Giving them one trophy for every person in America who watched them do it. 

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and The Complete Sheet.