Osama bin Laden came out with a new video.  President Obama hasn't seen it, but he still gave the DVD as a gift to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

NASA said that just before take off, a bat attached itself to the space shuttle's outer foam.  No word on whether or not Nancy Grace survived.

A woman who crushed her ankle while dancing on a New York City bar had her lawsuit thrown out.  The judge did rule, however, that her ankle was so badly shattered, it must be renamed "The Knicks". 

A woman from New Zealand gave birth on board a plane.  Nobody noticed the crying, because it just blended in with the rest of the passengers on Air Tran. 

New Jersey lawmakers are considering a ban on Brazilian waxing.  Proving that governors aren't the only politicians in that state who are gay.

A man invented a new car that can turn into a plane.  Now the government wants him to racially profile whenever a gas station attendant helps him fill up.

Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to help Barack Obama answer GOP critics.  The President said he will thank the governor by feeding California with just two loaves and three fishes.

Police in New Mexico found 1200 pounds of marijuana packed in cans labeled as spinach.  In a related story, Michael Phelps changed his nickname from Aquaman to Popeye.

The city Council of Medina, Ohio was forced to take a brief recess after extremely loud flatulence left members laughing too much to continue.  When they return, their next order of business is appointing a city dog to blame it on. 

Cleveland's Public Safety Department said it will pay up to 40,000 dollars this year to neuter stray cats.  Making Cleveland the first major city to lift the ban on feline marriage.

President Obama said America should remember St. Patrick's Day as a time to embrace good fortune.  In other words, every American gets a four-leaf clover.  

Many baseball teams are experimenting with unique marketing strategies to get people back to the ballpark.  For example, the Mets have a special offer . . . Buy three tickets at regular price, and you can pitch the top of the sixth!!

Fourteen women's basketball teams in the NCAA tournament have graduation rates of 100%.  Which is the exact opposite of the tournament's Nielsen ratings.

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, the Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.