In order to hit recruiting goals, the U.S. Army is relaxing its weight standards for enlistees.  To stick to their promise, they developed a new "don't ask, don't tell" policy for all their scales.

According to a new report, the Milky Way is much larger than previously thought.  Scientists believe it's because the original measurements were taken before the galaxy got married. 

Punchline #2:  Scientists say the initial mistake was a result of galactic beer goggles. 

Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis is asking Congress for a $5 billion bailout.  In return, he'll give them a free T-shirt! 

Bon Jovi will help Hillary Clinton raise money to pay off her campaign debt by performing at a fund-raising concert this week.  In a similar development, Jeb Bush will kick off his 2012 campaign by singing "Living on a Prayer". 

Many polls show that most college sports fans would like to see a playoff to determine a true champion of amateur football.  If it were implemented this year, for example, it would include Florida, Oklahoma, Texas, Utah, USC, and the Detroit Lions. 

Apple CEO Steve Jobs says his sudden weight loss is a result of a hormonal imbalance.  He admitted that doctors will have to treat him, because apparently there is indeed something that the iPhone can't do. 

Joseph Wurzelbacher, also known as "Joe the Plumber", is going to Israel as a war correspondent for conservative website  It's a perfect fit, since his fifteen minutes of fame is just as long as the region's next truce. 

Macy's will shut down 11 stores in 9 states.  Employees will get a severance package of $3,000 . . . or two pairs of the store's jeans.  

Police in Australia are looking for a man who broke into sex shops to have sex with blow up dolls.  Nobody was hurt, but the victims did look totally shocked. 

Lieutenant Governor of Illinois Pat Quinn said the entire state has become an "international laughing stock".  And there's no reason for that nickname to escape the confines of Wrigley Field. 

Chicago hosted a Blackhawks' hockey game outdoors at Wrigley Field.  Fans said it was so cold, it must be what Hell will feel like when the Cubs win a World Series. 

The Denver Broncos became the first NFL team to ever lead a division for 16 weeks and not make the playoffs. To commemorate the achievement, they will officially change their name to the Mets. 

NASCAR announced that it will begin drug testing in January.  If drivers are caught using drugs, they'll be re-labeled appropriately as NASCAR fans

A sports medicine clinic in Houston will remove Roger Clemens' name from their building. In a similar story, management will remove Jose Canseco's name from his shirt at Jiffy Lube.

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon "Sports Minute", The Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.