Ponzi-scheme fraud Bernard Madoff has been surrounded by crowding photographers for days now.  All without showing his cooter, Britney.  Can you believe it? 

Scientists are looking for ways to destroy a 10-mile wide asteroid that could slam into Earth in 2036.  The most popular option is blocking it with Rod Blagojevich's hair.

Police in Athens are preparing for riots with angry youths.  Wait a minute . . . teenage Greeks acting wild and getting arrested has nothing to do with the Sigma Chi chapter, a drunk Tri Delt, and a few stolen zoo animals?  You lied to us again, America. 

A surgeon in Colorado said he removed a tumor from a baby's brain that contained a tiny foot.  And afterwards, it threw a tiny shoe at President Bush. 

The FDA announced that it will place suicide warnings on certain epilepsy drugs.  Even better news . . . record companies will use the same warnings on Clay Aiken CDs. 

Scientists have found a large, gaping hole in the Earth's magnetic field.  It should be noted that Earth's magnetic field is operated by Notre Dame's defense. 

Estonia will become the first country in which voters can cast ballots through their cell phones.  America will follow their lead just as soon as officials make it okay to vote in movie theaters, comedy clubs, churches, grocery stores, driver seats, and any other place where US residents use a cell phone. 

Australia announced plans to cut its greenhouse gas emissions by the year 2020.  Because if it's one thing Australia owes the world, it's quality Air Supply.

American media in Baghdad were shocked at the shoe-throwing behavior of an Iraqi journalist.  Not that he threw wildly and missed, but that he somehow hasn't been signed by the Mets.

Abhisit Vejjajiva became the new prime minister of Thailand.  Weird name, corrupt land . . . how did this guy get passed over to lead Illinois?

Governor Rod Blagojevich may allow a special election to fill Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat.  It should be noted that "special election" is his way of saying "big bargain Christmas sale". 

The Arena Football League will shut down operations next season.  They said that being an NFL alternative was fun, but that's now strictly the job of the Detroit Lions. 

Tiger Woods says he hopes to return by spring and dominate the Masters Tournament.  John Daly said the same thing, except instead of "Masters", he said "Hooters" and instead of a complete sentence, he just used gurgling sounds. 

Penn State said Joe Paterno will be around for three more years.  Because he needs that long to drive to the stadium. 

Kansas forward Markleff Morris will serve 20 hours of community service for shooting a woman with plastic BBs.  Good ol' Kansas . . . Where street cred goes to shamefully die. 

Plaxico Burress attended an event for a New York charity.  It's good to see that amid all the turmoil, he still supports the Knicks. 

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and The Complete Sheet.