Most of Los Angeles is surrounded by flames.  And according to the new state constitution, none of them can legally marry. 

Officials in Washington DC are preparing for as many as 4 million people for Barack Obama's inauguration. The high turnout was expected when voters were asked if they could impede traffic in a major city for three days and they shouted, "Yes we can!"

Some Barack Obama supporters aren't thrilled at the idea of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State.  But some look at her haircut and agree that if anyone could use a little hope, it's her.

As punishment for starting fires in California two years ago, a homeless man has been ordered to pay $101 million.  He said he'll raise the money by collecting empty beer cans from Heather Locklear's car. 

More than 100 retired generals called for a repeal of the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy so gay men and women can enlist and serve openly. It looks like they'll succeed, because Hollywood is already writing the script for "High School Musical 4: Basic Training"

National Geographic is designing and producing new interactive video games.  They said they were tired of teenage kids only ignoring their TV shows and magazines.

Scientists mapped the DNA of a kangaroo and discovered that the species has a lot more in common with humans than they thought.  They had a feeling that was the case when they saw several kangaroo mothers take their kids from their pouches and drop them off at a hospital in Nebraska. 

New York's narcotics prosecutor wants the website Craigslist to prevent drug dealing online by curbing thinly veiled ads that use code words such as "ski lift tickets" for cocaine and "Tina Turner tickets" for crystal meth. Also targeted are ads for marijuana that read, "For sale…wait…what?"

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has been accused of insider trading.  If found guilty, legal experts predict he could be severely punished by being forced to keep his money in the stock market.

Archaeologists say the remains of a 12,000-year-old skeleton are that of a witch doctor.  Or that of a patient waiting to see a real doctor in Canada. 

The CDC reported that Burlington, Vermont is the country's healthiest city.  The city was thrilled, and thanked Vermont for being so small that no fat people can fit in. 

Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb said he didn't know all the rules for overtime.  In fact, he thought the term "sudden death" meant getting traded to Detroit. 

Jimmie Johnson won his third straight Sprint Cup NASCAR Championship.  Winning these titles is becoming so routine and mundane, it's getting to be like, well, NASCAR.

The Yankees are bidding high for pitcher C.C. Sabathia.  Where in many parts of the Bronx, people think his name means "Yes-Yes Sabathia". 

Most of the above material is now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, the Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.