President Bush called Barack Obama to congratulate him on his victory.  Then he asked about a repeat win next year before realizing he mixed up his notecard with the one for black athletes.

At his victory speech in Chicago, a sea of Obama supporters chanted "Yes we can!"  Which means Obama supporters in Chicago are apparently not Cubs fans.

The Obama victory was followed by traffic jams of thousands of celebrating motorists.  Evidently it was okay this one time for liberals to ignore mass transit and excessively pollute their cities.

A new study shows that some TV programs that involve sex contribute to the rate of teen pregnancies.  And the high rate of oral sex is attributed to "The Hills", because that also sucks. 

Rapper 50 Cent has a business-centered reality show on MTV . . . 

Some of it is based on book smarts, but most is based on common sent. 

It's like "The Apprentice", only instead of getting fired, contestants get shot. 

A string of new videos featuring the "Peanuts" gang have been released online.  Finally!  The internet!  Where Peppermint Patty can be herself without being judged. 

Boise State, Utah and Ball State are the remaining undefeated non-BCS teams.  The NCAA prepared them for the inevitable by giving each team lubricant and a pillow to bite down on. 

Greg Maddux won his 18th Gold Glove Award.  In fact, he's got so many Ks and so few E's, California made him an honorary cab driver.

Carlos Beltran and David Wright of the New York Mets each won another Gold Glove. They're hoping to amass enough to fully barricade the door to the team's bullpen. 

A NASCAR fan could face charges after he wounded a bystander by shooting a gun in the air.  Proving a long-held belief that actions can indeed be influenced by Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

Phil Fulmer will not coach at Tennessee next year.  The announcement was made when every buffet in Knoxville went out of business.

The Cincinnati Bengals won their first game on Sunday.  It was such a rare victory for the team, it's now being called "an acquittal". 

Many of the above jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and the Complete Sheet.