American Express announced that it will cut 7,000 jobs.  Employees will get the word in a text message that reads, "Your updated resume.  Don't leave home without it."

Manuel Uribe, the fattest man in the world, got married this weekend.   Making it official . . . He has let himself go.

Amy Winehouse was hospitalized again this week, this time for lung tests.  A spokesperson said she's in good spirits, because just one more hole-punch on her hospital club card, and she gets a free sub sandwich. 

A woman in Queens, New York gave birth this week to sextuplets.  With that much crying and wailing in one place, the hospital was temporarily called, "Shea Stadium". 

French scientists are making a new type of artificial heart using airplane technology.  Which means it will process blood like a normal heart, but only in containers of 3 ounces or less. 

A new line of Italian wines based on the hit series "The Sopranos" will be launched in the U.S. this fall.  The distribution is expected to last a few years, and then abruptly end without any real conclusion. 

The World Series was suspended in the middle of Game 5 this week for the first time in history.  And to explain his decision to viewers watching at home, Commissioner Bud Selig personally called all three of them.  

The creators of Rock Band have announced a new video game that will feature music from The Beatles.  Designers say it's incredibly authentic, because when you get to Level 5, your power is personally shut off by Yoko Ono. 

The Vatican is now suggesting that candidates for the priesthood be given psychological evaluations to screen out heterosexuals unable to control their urges and men with strong homosexual tendencies.  Those who fail to pass the evaluations would then be given more appropriate positions in the U.S. Senate. 

Cabbage Patch Kid dolls designed to look like Barack Obama, John McCain and their running mates are being auctioned off for charity.  And according to initial reports, they're almost as fluffy as their empty promises. 

After entertaining sick children at a local hospital, Mike Myers said he cried like a baby.  So much so, he felt like everyone who paid to see "The Love Guru"

Eminem explained why he wanted to return to the public spotlight.  Basically, he was tired of Barney Frank being the scariest looking white dude on TV. 

Barack Obama made a final case to the voters in Ohio.  But he explained that his wealth distribution plan unfortunately does not include wins for the Bengals. 

Rockies pitcher Luis Vizcaino was arrested in Florida on DUI charges.  Authorities knew he was drunk when he told Tampa police that this World Series was amazing!

Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, the Complete Sheet, and were submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.