Angelina Jolie says she is excited about her upcoming movie about a woman who is given a child that is not her own.  It's called, "The Angelina Jolie Story". 

Apple announced a 26 percent increase in quarterly profits.  Meaning that iPhone users are just as oblivious to the looming recession as they are to the people around them.

In a new report, it was revealed that kids today are less likely to graduate high school than their parents were.  But more likely to score with a teacher, so they got that going for 'em.

A government panel is advising that adult smokers under 65 get a vaccine to help prevent things like meningitis and pneumonia.  And if you don't have health insurance, keep in mind that a free vaccination is only a hundred thousand Marlboro Miles away. 

It was announced that the Chicago Cubs may play an exhibition game at the new Yankee Stadium in 2009.  Since it won't really mean anything, the game will also feature Alex Rodriguez's wedding vows. 

A school in New York City is offering a class called "The Art of Charm," which is a one-week, live program that costs 3500 dollars and teaches romantically-challenged men how to successfully hit on women. Lesson one: let the ladies know that you have so much money, you can afford to lay down 3500 bucks on a pick-up artist class.

Mr. Blackwell, the creator of the infamous Worst Dressed list, died this week at the age of 86. And true to his word, he wasn't caught in anything he criticized.

Geologists say they have discovered more than 1000 prehistoric animal tracks so densely packed on a site near the Arizona-Utah border that they are calling it a "dinosaur dance floor." Leading scientists to believe that some species didn't die off from natural selection, but rather . . . they got served.

John McCain criticized Barack Obama on Tuesday, accusing him of rooting for both the Philadelphia Phillies and the Tampa Bay Rays in the World Series, depending on which state he's in. Obama quickly refuted the accusation, saying, "I think Americans know the truth, and that is . . . nobody cares about this World Series."

Authorities in Missouri said a woman's TV remote control triggered an explosion in her home. And remarkably, it still wouldn't get the TV to switch over from Spanish.

"Gossip Girl" star Taylor Momsen has been hospitalized.  The announcement came from a guy who knows a girl who heard from someone who's pretty sure she saw Taylor talking to an ambulance driver.

Sarah Palin said she thinks a lot about her daughter Bristol's wedding.  Especially how much money they'll save if all the guests like moose meat.

John McCain is targeting the proverbial "Joe the Plumber" voter across the country.  And if proverbial Joe can somehow pull up his proverbial pants to cover his proverbial butt crack, we can achieve anything.

Al Gore told an audience at Harvard that it was time to put our knowledge to use.  And by "to put our knowledge to use", he of course meant "lunch". 

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said the upcoming "credit tsunami" will have a severe impact on America.  He then explained that he didn't say "credit tornado", because people in trailer parks don't play the stock market.

Goldman Sachs has reported that they will cut ten percent of their work force.  Things are so bad, they're also planning to call themselves Tinman Sachs.

The Chinese government arrested six people for their role in the recent milk contamination.  Their jail time will either be a whole sentence or 2 percent of that.

Many Obama supporters think that victory is so imminent, something is sure to go wrong.  In other words . . . their glass of Kool Aid is half empty, not half full.

New York Yankee star Joba Chamberlain was cited for a DUI.  Cops knew he was drunk when he said A-Rod and Madonna make a terrific couple. 

Many of the above jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, the Complete Sheet, and submitted to Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.