46-year-old Evander Holyfield has accepted a challenge to fight heavyweight champion Nikolai Valuev.  He wasn't going to, then he decided he needed the money after learning his entire 401K was in AIG. 

The Dow finished below 10,000 for the first time in four years.  Republicans want to point out, however, that the same cannot be said of Michael Moore's scale. 

The Rangers beat the Lightning to begin the NHL season. The players dedicated the victory to their dads and their lipstick-wearing pit bulls. 

According to recently released documents, the FBI came close to charging stuntman Evel Knievel in a series of beatings.  Which means America came so close to actually hearing a lawyer say, "I represent Evel."

A farmer won a contest in California with a pumpkin that weighs more than 1,500 pounds.  He said he grew it using a combination of cow manure, compost, and Barry Bonds' urine.

It was reported that at least six million questions for last Tuesday's town-hall style presidential debate were submitted via the Internet.  Unfortunately for the democratic process, 4 million of them asked, "Do you want a bigger penis?"

Starting next year, Ford will attempt to curb teenage speedsters by equipping its vehicles with a feature to limit the speed at 80 mph.  Teenagers are excited because driving slower will give them more time to text message their friends in the backseat. 

Kevin Costner is in talks to star in a sequel to the baseball movie "Bull Durham".  He said he likes everything in the script except the ending, leading critics to believe that this one must be about the Mets.

A new study shows that high-powered energy drinks, such as Red Bull, have so much caffeine in them that the government should put warning labels on the cans.  Then another study found that, ironically, the government operates at such a pace that it could use a couple of Red Bulls. 

A woman in Idaho has gotten into two accidents at the same intersection in the past few months and will now look for a new route to work.  Or stop at red lights.  Whichever's easier.

The scientific breakthrough known simply as the "atom smasher" suffered a malfunction last week.  When it was announced that the breakdown was a result of a bad connection, it became obvious that the entire project is being sponsored by Sprint. 

Most of the above jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and the Complete Sheet.