Many soldiers heading to Iraq said they are more concerned about the U.S. economy than the war.  Which explains why the new road side bomb is just some guy on a street corner shouting Dow Jones reports. 

The top U.S. general in Afghanistan said Wednesday that the resurgent Taliban in the country make 100 million dollars a year from drug trafficking.  It's usually 200 million, but the army successfully cut off their key supply route from Amy Winehouse's place.

A new poll shows that Sarah Palin is slightly unpopular among likely female voters.  When he heard the news, John McCain said, "Female voters?  When did that start?"

Playboy Magazine plans to publish an issue featuring the "Women of Wall Street".  Readers just hope the breasts don't imitate the sagging economy.

An 18 year-old boy in Florida reported losing 100 dollars when four topless women attacked him as he rode his bike to work. And when he arrived at the nearest precinct, he got to see the best police lineup ever.

On the November 2nd episode of the Simpsons, Homer Simpson will cast a vote for Barack Obama. The vote won't count, of course, which means if Homer Simpson were real, he'd vote for Ralph Nader.

An 18-year-old student in London this week won a lottery jackpot.  The news was confusing at first, because when people heard that a teenager gained 7 million pounds, they just assumed he had to be American. 

A Michigan woman won an auction for an abandoned home in Saginaw after bidding just $1.75. Now the race is on to see what bank wants to finance that loan. 

Panasonic this week unveiled a 150-inch flat-screen TV. Just when you thought Larry King in normal hi-def couldn't get any dreamier.

A California judge has declared Sharon Stone to be an "over-reacting parent".  She was happy with the ruling, however, because at the end of it all, the judge said, "But you're no Britney Spears.  I'll give you that."

Bruce Springsteen will play at halftime of the Super Bowl.  And he's already hired the Oakland Raiders to help him out with "Glory Days"

Mathematicians at UCLA found a prime number with 13 million digits.  Which is precisely half the amount of digits they don't get from girls. 

A review of NBA officiating has determined that Tim Donaghy acted alone. So alone, he now knows what it's like to be a fan of the Super Sonics.

Mets star pitcher Johan Santana had successful knee surgery.  But doctors are still working on removing his foot from the bullpen's ass.

Most of the above jokes are now a part of National Lampoon's Sports Minute, the Complete Sheet, and (maybe) Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.