Barack Obama said he will soon unveil his proposed solution for America's financial mess. Ten bucks says it's got something to do with "hope".
John McCain said that the upheaval on Wall Street is a call for better regulation. But strictly a call. Not an email.
President Bush said the economy is strong enough to handle all the turmoil in the financial market. But just in case, he said he's turning on the Bat signal.
Giant investment bank Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy this week. The Lehman Sisters, however, are still raking it in with a hot new webcam.
Elizabeth Banks, who plays a porn star in "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" will portray Laura Bush in Oliver Stone's upcoming film about the President entitled "W". The big difference . . . this money shot will instead be called a "bailout".
A recent study shows that over 50% of Americans expect to see a collapse. So over 50% of Americans either pay attention to the stock market, or they watch the Mets.
Yuriko Koike is attempting to become the first woman prime minister of Japan and said it's time to put aside the stereotypes. She of course made the announcement in the middle of a karaoke song.
Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe signed a power-sharing deal with his main opposition leader. But as far as custody goes, Angelina gets the kids.
The U.S. Army is designing a new helmet that may help officers and soldiers communicate with their thoughts. They will also revise their gay policy to "Don't Ask. Don't Tell. Don't Even Think It."
After his owner had a seizure, a dog in Phoenix saved his life by calling 911. And since it wasn't in a black lab neighborhood, they responded immediately.
Firefighters in Germany found a three-foot long python in a bathroom. In other news . . . Larry Craig is moving to Germany.
A new study shows that yawning can also be contagious in dogs. Scientists learned this when they watched a group of dogs at a boring lab study about tired dogs.
Flight attendants are urging American Airlines to filter its in-flight Internet service to block passengers' access to pornographic web sites. They said if passengers want to see a real screw job, they should just watch the company charge that extra baggage fee.
According to a new study, 97 percent of young people in America say that they play video games. It's actually 100 percent, but young people in America also have horrible math skills.
Anaheim Angels reliever Francisco Rodriguez broke Bobby Thigpen's record for saves in a season with 58. When asked how he did it he said, "I just studied how the Mets bullpen does things, and then did the exact opposite."
*Most of the above are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, The Complete Sheet, and (possibly) Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.