Hillary Clinton says she wants to help her fellow Democrats, and that's why she gave her delegates to Obama.  It's also why she may give her spouse-neutering kit to Elizabeth Edwards. 

Joe Biden said that Obama can't win in November unless he wins Pennsylvania.  It's going to be tough, however.  Especially since the Amish share the same views as McCain about that wacky email. 

Hillary Clinton instructed her delegates to swing their votes towards Barack Obama.  Then she went to the restroom, put her finger down her throat, and purged her pride. 

After three months at sea, two men landed in Hawaii on a raft made out of plastic bottles.  And by booking their travel with Orbitz, they saved ten bucks!

Hillary Duff's father is going to prison for contempt of court.  And for having Hillary Duff songs in his iPod. 

Brad Pitt and George Clooney were in Venice to promote "Burn After Reading".  Which coincidentally is the same instruction at the bottom of the new "Ocean's 14" script. 

Jennifer Aniston was seen dining with Woody Allen.  So take that, John Mayer!

Historians will digitally scan the Dead Sea Scrolls to put on the Internet.  And to avoid a writer's strike, they'll set up a residual deal with Larry King. 

Dell introduced new computers specifically marketed to Chinese consumers.  Basically it's a normal computer, but it comes with a man who arrests anyone trying to access the internet.

Jack Osbourne said his dad Ozzy is not an idiot.  But he did admit that Kelly had to get those genes from somebody. 

The Greek island of Cyprus has opened a beach catered exclusively to dogs.  And when it's crowded, it looks just like a normal beach in Italy.

Many universities are doing away with cafeteria trays.  They claim that tray cleaning requires too much water, not to mention it only gives two credits to Tennessee football players rather than the normal three. 

An accountant in Minnesota won a battle with the IRS by disputing their method to tax shares and cash distributed by mutual life insurance firms to their policyholders when they reorganize as public companies.  In other news, he cured insomnia. 

The closing ceremony at the Olympics was spectacular.  It lasted 13 minutes, but the Chinese swear they have papers saying 16. 

Michael Strahan has told the New York Giants that he's going to stay retired, but will still root for the team to do well.  Funny . . . with no job, he sounds more like a Jets fan. 

Michael Phelps was seen chatting it up with Tiger Woods at a Manhattan party.  Party guests said the event was a celebration of sports excellence not because those guys were there, but because the Yankees weren't. 

Little League officials in Connecticut have declared a nine-year-old pitcher with a 40-mph fastball is too good to play.  He doesn't care, because he just got called up to the Mets. 

Most of the above jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and The Complete Sheet.