The U.S. government announced plans to raise $27 billion to help erase the deficit.  Although advisers suggested a new 30-year bond, President Bush wants to raise the money by making another Batman movie. 

A previously unseen portrait of a woman was found beneath a Vincent van Gogh painting.  Art historians were going to call it "The Woman Underneath", but then they heard that title was copyrighted by Ryan Seacrest. 

A seven-square-mile sheet of ice broke off of Canada.  Wow!  Even bits of Canada want to leave Canada.  

A 5.4 magnitude earthquake shook Los Angeles Tuesday.  Reports indicate that things shook so much, Shia LaBeouf's room stopped spinning.

Beijing is reporting major improvements to its air pollution.  In other words, their phlegm just went from black to grey. 

A comic book company will publish issues this fall featuring John McCain and Barack Obama.  All drawings will be in black and very, very white. 

A woman in Canada just had her 18th child.  So by law, she's now an honorary member of the NBA. 

The prayer that Barack Obama wrote at the Western Wall in Jerusalem was leaked to the press.  The media chastised the leak, saying anything Obama prayed for should be strictly between him and his dad. 

Batman Christian Bale is having a hard time maintaining his privacy.  He's getting so desperate to not be seen by anyone, he wants to be in the next Eddie Murphy movie. 

After NBA referee Tim Donaghy was sentenced to 15 months in prison, he was pleased with the judge's decision.  Most likely because the over/under was 20 months. 

Yankee catcher Jorge Posada will have season-ending surgery.  According to reports in New York, his arm is so weak, it's beginning to resemble Isaiah Thomas' resume. 

The Dallas Cowboys are bracing themselves for Pacman.  Meanwhile, the Cincinnati Bengals are bracing themselves for Grand Theft Auto. 

The US basketball team is finally in China.  They knew they were in China when LeBron James called someone "dog" and lunch showed up. 

A baseball fan was seriously injured after falling from an escalator at Shea Stadium.  Thankfully, he was saved.  Which means at no point did the Mets bullpen get involved. 

Many of the above jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute and The Complete Sheet.