A thief in Hawaii stole 1,000 pounds in premium coffee beans.  He said he wanted to consume all of it in one sitting, just to see how it feels to be Kelly Ripa.

Four U.S. helicopter engines have gone missing in Afghanistan. Probably stolen.  In a related story, Pamela Anderson has hired the Taliban to build her a satisfactory vibrator. 

A judge has ruled that a former MySpace spammer must pay the website $6 million.  But he's done well for himself, and Dane Cook can afford it. 

A large, beautiful rainbow appeared outside the church after Tim Russert's funeral.  Until Dick Cheney snarled at it, then it whimpered away. 

Michelle Obama is preparing a speech for the upcoming campaign trail.  She'll begin by mentioning her husband's hard stance on national security, because she was advised to start off with a good joke. 

Analysts wonder if John McCain can win his own state of Arizona.  Especially since he still refers to it as an "annexed territory". 

A human rights group found evidence of torture in Iraq and Guantanamo Bay.  The military then rebuked Clay Aiken for leaving his CDs laying around. 

A new study shows that long-term coffee drinking does not increase a person's risk of early death.  Unless you piss off the wrong guy at the office by not making a new pot after taking the last cup.

A new tour in Washington traces the steps of the Lincoln assassination.  It ends at Ford's Theatre where he was shot, and it starts in the Oval Office, where Abe ominously forgot to forward a chain email to 20 of his friends. 

The Catholic diocese in Rome is banning the filming of "DaVinci Code" prequel "Angels and Demons".  Unless Tom Hanks goes to Confession for making "Joe Versus the Volcano".  Then we're cool. 

A British warship from 1780 was found at the bottom of Lake Ontario.  The last time anyone spotted a vessel that old was when Larry King did a show with his fly open. 

The U.S. District Court ruled that the  White House is not required to turn over records of possibly missing emails.  They are, however, required to stop using a euphoric sideways smiley face in emails about gas prices. 

A tattoo artist in Dallas broke a world record by drawing 415 tattoos in 24 hours.  Breaking another record, Dallas now has 415 more residents who think the Chinese-looking symbol on their arm actually means something. 

There's a new alcohol-by-the-drink tax on the books in Pittsburgh.  It's so unpopular with the locals, they're calling it "The Pirates".  (Sorry, Doug)

Jerry Manuel became the new manager of the New York Mets, who proceeded to lose his first game as skipper. The team spin doctor, however, just referred to it as "A Willie Randolph tribute."


Major League Baseball is considering using instant replay for home run calls. Not to correct anything, but simply because it would be hilarious to watch fat players run in slow motion. 

The San Jose Sharks hired Todd McClellan as their new head coach.  The team was immediately drawn to him because he was bleeding and looked like an injured seal. 

*Many of the above jokes are now a part of National Lampoon's Sports Minute, National Lampoon's Pop Culture Minute, and The Complete Sheet.