The mastermind of 9/11 says that he would rather be put to death.  This was in response to the question, "Would you like to see the Sex and the City movie?" 

Michelle Obama is slated to be a guest host on "The View" later this month.  And if her husband's ears show up, producers will call it "Blocking The View"

A gust of wind blew a big piece of production equipment into a ferris wheel on the set of the Hannah Montana movie.  Miley Cyrus said it was the weirdest freak accident to happen since her dad's career. 

United Airlines is cutting 1,100 jobs . . . 

They'll now be known as Divided Airlines.

Unfortunately, that dick who charged you an extra $25 because your checked bag is 3 ounces over the limit isn't one of them. 

Gillian Anderson has announced that she is pregnant.  Of course now that she's proven that she's had sex, she is automatically banned from any future "X-Files" Fan Club meeting.

General Motors will shut down four pickup truck and SUV plants.  So all their customers in Kentucky will have to put those Calvin stickers on Saturns from now on. 

Insiders said that Hillary Clinton may be hinting at accepting a vice president position on an Obama ticket.  Which is another way of saying that she made a distasteful JFK/Lyndon Johnson reference. 

The polygamist sect in Texas said from now on, women will only marry when they're old enough to give consent . . .  

Or 15, whichever comes first.

But choice over wardrobe . . . don't make me snorteth buttermilk out my nose.

Hillary Clinton said that she's not ready for her "political obituary".  She assured her supporters that when she's ready to kill her Presidential aspiration, she'll refer to it as "Vince Foster". 

South Korea is delaying the renewal of beef imports.  "Good thing I'm not South Korean," said Clay Aiken.  

AAA is reporting more and more motorists are getting stranded with empty gas tanks.  Of course with gas prices where they are, it's easy for drivers to think the F on their gauge stands for something else.

A bus company in New York is offering $1 tickets to Washington D.C.  It's perfect for anyone who's desperate to get to the capitol without having to shamelessly beg for superdelegates. 

A large fire broke out at Universal Studios over the weekend.  Sharon Stone said it was karma for making "Leatherheads".

Mars is showing signs of ice in the polar region.  Which means if there's life there, Al Gore will make them feel guilty for melting what was once a glacier.

Mike Vanderjagt signed with the CFL.  Which, appropriately enough, is just wide right of the NFL.  

Flip Saunders was let go as coach of the Pistons.  He'll be replaced by his more progressive and forward-moving brother Cartwheel Saunders. 

Ken Griffey, Jr. is one homerun shy of 600.  Ironically, he'd be at 700 if he ever played against the Reds.

Pacman Jones was arrested at a Dallas night club.  Oops, I accidentally dipped into the "inevitable news of the future" bag. 

 *Many of the above are now a part of National Lampoon's Sports Minute, National Lampoon's Pop Culture Minute, and the Complete Sheet.