Entertainment News:
Rap artist T-Pain got five BET Award nominations. However, he's expected to lose five times to T-Advil.
Hannah Montana is debuting her new song, "7 Things". She got the title from looking at her dad's recent job application and replacing the word "Eleven" with the word "Things".
MTV announced that the reality show "The Real World" is coming from Los Angeles to Brooklyn. So I guess we're all even for that whole Dodgers thing.
Random Stories:
A girl in Greece who suffered from stomach pains was found to be carrying her embryonic twin. When it was discovered that her sibling was inside her, doctors almost instinctively outcast her to Kentucky.
The Vatican said that a belief in aliens doesn't contradict a belief in God. And just like that, the Catholic Church set up a revenue-producing parish on Venus.
The New York Water Taxi launched a new service from Queens to Lower Manhattan. A spokesperson said it's just like a regular taxi . . . it's quick, it's convenient, and it doesn't stop in Harlem.
A man is suing Jet Blue for making him sit on the toilet for the duration of a flight. What's even worse, the toilet paper they provide is actually the passenger bill of rights.
A girl scout in Michigan sold over 17,000 boxes of cookies. Too bad she sold them at the Democratic primary, because those sales apparently don't count.
Politics:
Barack Obama claims that President Bush falsely accused him of appeasing terrorists. Said Obama, "It's just not true. My wife is not a terrorist."
Barack Obama said John McCain is losing his bearings. McCain responded for 30 minutes about how he's not senile and lost . . . and then he finally turned off his left blinker.
In more random news:
A town in Florida is fighting a massive wildfire. Said one resident, "Enduring the Heat is unbearable. But enough about basketball. This wildfire sucks."
Some schoolchildren in Queens got to chat with a U.S. astronaut. After he explained that the vacuum of outer space can produce a choking sensation, the kids naturally asked if the New York Mets are astronauts.
Sports:
Goose Gossage criticized Yankee pitcher Joba Chamberlain's excessive celebratory style while on the mound. Not because it's unsportsmanlike, but because the Yanks haven't done anything worth celebrating in months.
Matt Walsh's spygate tapes show the Patriots stealing offensive signs from the Miami Dolphins. Or as Roger Goodell described it, "Taking a tin cup of change from a blind man."
*Many of the above jokes are now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute, National Lampoon Pop Culture Minute, and The Complete Sheet.