Mike Huckabee officially dropped out of the Presidential race. To make sure the media noticed him, he made the announcement dressed as Brett Favre.
John Edwards is not officially endorsing anyone for President yet. He said he's split, which, he pointed out, is most certainly not like the ends of his hair.
Hillary Clinton apologized to the African-American community for her husband's past remarks about Barack Obama. She was repeatedly interrupted, however, because she made the apology inside a movie theatre.
A magnitude 6.4 earthquake shook south Mexico last month. It hit houses so hard, candy fell out.
The bird flu virus continues to mutate and spread across Europe. Officials warned that if you see anyone there who is incoherent or routinely getting sick, they may either be infected . . . Or just Irish.
China has declared a ban on horror movies. They said Freddy Krueger sets a bad precedent by killing children in their dreams and not with lead like normal people.
Rap star Timbaland inked a deal with Verizon to make the first ever "mobile album". This will mark the first time in history when cell phone customers will actually hope for a bad signal.
The movie "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" is coming in August. It's expected to bring over 20 million people back to the theater . . . none of them on dates.
Australia formally apologized to the country's aborigines for its harsh treatment over the centuries. Then they apologized to the rest of the world for Air Supply and that weird version of football.
A McDonald's in California is using feng shui in the restaurant. It's the first time the chain has used Chinese culture since they offered customers a "happy ending meal".
The Bears re-signed quarterback Rex Grossman. Since so many kids look up to the Bears, the city of Chicago has charged the team with gross negligence.
Green Bay Packers legend Brett Favre announced he will retire. Wisconsin hasn't been this upset since the NBA gave them the Bucks.
Lou Pearlman, who introduced the world to 'N Sync and The Backstreet Boys, admits that he defrauded millions from investors. As punishment, the judge has ordered him to listen to 'N Sync and The Backstreet Boys.
A small blast startled New Yorkers on Thursday. Authorities didn't respond immediately because when they heard a bomb went off in Times Square, they just thought AMC was replaying the movie "Norbit".
Astronauts will put together a two-armed space station robot on their next mission. They modeled it after Roger Clemens because it has two arms, robotic strength, and no reproductive organs.
Most college spring breakers are staying inside America this year. Some, however, are going to Miami.
*The above jokes are now a part of National Lampoon's Sports Minute Or So and The Complete Sheet.