Gary Player expressed concerns that steroids have found their way into golf. He later clarified, “I never said that. I said of all the athletes, golfers have the smallest balls.”

Hillary Clinton revealed that she has six staff members devoted solely to reaching women voters in an apparent move to go after her own. Dennis Kucinich applauded the idea as brilliant, then he went out and hired six unelectable hobbits.

Cosmopolitan Magazine now offers a service called “Cosmo Fake Calls”. When a subscriber signs up, an automated phone center sends them a text message with an excuse they can use to exit an awkward or uncomfortable situation. “It works like a charm!” said the Iraqi Parliament.

Matt Damon’s latest movie, The Bourne Ultimatum, is getting rave reviews from film critics. Damon attributes the success to his personal ultimatum… “go see it or we’re making Ocean’s 14.”

The View has officially welcomed Whoopi Goldberg on board. Executives at ABC made the hire after Rosie O’Donnell announced she was leaving, and the remaining cast continuously shouted Goldberg’s first name.

A proposed law in California, if enacted, would call for mandatory fixing of house pets. Most Californians are against it…then they added, “Unless the phrase ‘house pets’ is some kind of slang meaning ‘Britney Spears’.”

To promote Shark Week, the Discovery Channel painted several New York City taxis to resemble various shark species. The artwork was so life-like, researchers now believe sharks aren’t too fond of dark meat.

The discovery of several geysers on the Saturn moon Enceladus shows the strong possibility of life there. The most probable form of life..…tourist families of over-excited parents and their extremely bored kids waiting hours for a geyser to erupt.

Various cities are proposing a ban on plastic grocery bags. Those most upset at the possible ban are West Virginians, who want a choice when covering their partner’s face during sex.

An earthquake in Japan may have caused a radioactive leak at a nuclear power plant, raising concerns of radiation poisoning in the area. Among the precautions being taken, one man was fired after emerging from the plant wearing a giant Godzilla mask and scaring away hundreds of gullible inspectors.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown faced public ridicule when eight of his cabinet members admitted to smoking marijuana in the past. He said, “Sure it’s embarrassing and it looks bad. But let the person who has never looked stupid in this government remove his gay, powdered wig and cast the first stone.”

Chief Justice John Roberts is recovering after having a seizure last week. Democrat House Speaker Nancy Pelosi later said, “We ask for a censure from the Senate, and we get a seizure from the Court. We need to work on our communication skills in this city.”

Rupert Murdoch, CEO of News Corporation and Fox Entertainment, sealed a $5 billion deal to take over the Wall Street Journal. His first order of business will be promoting The Simpsons Movie by changing the name of the industrial average to “Do’h! Jones”.

Burger King plans to sell flavored potato chips, and one of the flavors is “Ketchup and Fries”. Brilliant! I love fries and ketchup but hate actually eating them. I hope these chips come with a fish sandwich that tastes like a cheeseburger and a milkshake that tastes like a Coke. That would truly be ideal. Thanks, Burger King! I hope you accept cash that looks like cardboard from a cereal box.

Barrack Obama vowed that if necessary, he would strike al Qaeda in Pakistan. He later clarified, saying, “By ‘al Qaeda’, I meant to say ‘Hillary Clinton’. And by ‘in Pakistan’, I meant to say ‘in the face and balls repeatedly’.”

Russia used a special submarine to plant an undersea flag beneath the Arctic, which they believe gives them reign over the region and its energy riches. Canada and the U.S. denounced the act as pointless, saying countries can’t just call dibs on property and gain rights to it. But just to be sure, President Bush shouted, “Shotgun in the first North Pole oil truck!”