The Department of Homeland Security is really beefing up its efforts to keep terrorists out of the sky. They’re not tightening airport security, however. They’re just encouraging al Qaeda to book flights with Northwest.

Brad Pitt recently appeared for jury duty in California. In her first sign of bitterness since their break up, Jennifer Anniston said, “Well that jury won’t exactly be hung.”

Northern Colorado football player Mitch Cozad was found guilty of assault for stabbing punter Rafael Mendoza. The prosecution blamed the incident on Cozad’s inferiority complex, his short temper, and real crappy blocking by the offensive line.

NBA referee Tim Donaghy pleaded guilty to two counts of conspiracy gambling charges. League commissioner David Stern admitted his disappointment, especially since the spread was three counts.

Soccer star David Beckham recently visited with the New York Yankees. He reportedly told them, “Seriously, you can make millions of dollars and NOT play. It’s awesome.”

With a flurry of moves both publicly and behind the scenes, the Boston Celtics are trying desperately to return from an embarrassing slump to its previous status of a very proud tradition. Oh wait, that’s the housing market. Not the Celtics.

Yao Ming, the Chinese star of the Houston Rockets, finally tied the knot. His bride decided to marry him before her other Chinese sex toys got recalled for lead poisoning.

Barbara Morgan, the former schoolteacher on the Space Shuttle Endeavour, reports that her time in space is reminiscent of her time in the classroom. For example, she recalls astronomy lessons while gazing at the countless stars, as well as physics while conducting experiments. Plus, she fondly remembers the teacher’s lounge on the last day of school whenever she slams down a few tequila shots with the astronauts.

Movie critics have praised the new film Stardust as “a terrific fantasy film for adults”. That description, however, is causing some massive confusion. Said one moviegoer, “That’s the most disappointed I’ve been since paying to see The Bangher Sisters.”

American Airlines may offer broadband Internet on its flights. The idea, however, raises several questions among consumers. Like “If adult websites are accessible, will the mile-high club admit ‘solo fliers’?”

Senate Judiciary chairman Patrick Leahy will have a speaking role in the new Batman movie. Apparently, he plans to subpoena Bruce Wayne before the White House uses executive privilege on him too.

Mets pitcher Tom Glavine recorded his 300th career win recently. Unfortunately, Major League Baseball will place an asterisk next to the milestone since 52 of those wins came against the Cincinnati Reds.

Charges of sexual assault during a party at the Playboy Mansion have been dropped. It was revealed that the allegations were based on nothing but a desire for money and attention, which means for a while there, people confused the charges with the bunnies’ love for Hugh Hefner.

Milk prices have spiked to almost $4 a gallon. The drink may be banned in some religious schools, whose leaders fear that at this price, they may literally be drinking from a golden calf. The good news is that with the line of work now becoming lucrative, more kids are interested in the bullying arts. And it’s important to learn a trade nowadays.

Rap artist 50 Cent told the media that if rival Kanye West sells more records than him this year, he will drop out of the business. It would mark the first time in history that only half of the American dollar depreciated. In fact, he expects to make so much money, he’ll have enough at the end of the year to finally buy an S for his name.

The football video game Madden ’08 will be on shelves soon. This version is so realistic, it shows players dodging, spinning, and ducking as they try to avoid grown men who won’t stop talking about their fantasy leagues.

Some Oklahoma legislators want school children to get acquainted to the environment of the working world, so they’re proposing that schools stay in session until 5 o’clock. If that doesn’t get them in touch with office life, they can take courses that specialize in mindless red tape, be allowed 15-20 smoke breaks a day whether or not they really need them, and be denied advancement in favor of less qualified, younger students.