In the face of criticism, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig told the media, “We have the toughest drug testing in American sports.” After hearing the statement, Barry Bonds laughed so hard, human growth hormone shot out his nose.

An unprecedented recruiting effort by the FBI includes giving area high school computer whizzes top-secret clearance. What’s even more alarming is that they’re also showing intel files to kindergarteners and saying, “Let’s pretend that Bin Laden is Waldo. Where do you think he is?”

The new Harry Potter book was printed in the small town of Crawfordsville, Indiana, and workers at the plant were not allowed to discuss it until it was released. In fact, one employee almost got fired for telling his friends about Hogwarts, but then authorities realized the Indiana native was simply referring to his unfortunate fate of having pig sex.

China executed Sheng Xiaoyu, the former director of the State Food and Drug Administration. No word on what they did with the body, but I hope your pets like eating dead Chinamen.

The Phillies recorded loss number 10,000. Despite spending millions of dollars to compete with the others, the franchise continues to underachieve. So much so, they’re changing their name to the Philadelphia McCains.

A new political video on youtube features sexy female fans of Obama and Giuliani pillow fighting in their underwear. When asked if she thought the video was in bad taste, Hillary Clinton said, “Not at all. In fact, let’s just say I spent all night double clicking my mouse.” John Edwards also thought the video was okay, then added, “But those girls had some serious split-end issues.” And despite keeping his faith hidden most of the time, Mitt Romney declared that “whatever guy is married to those chicks is a hell of a lucky dude.”

Pittsburgh Pirate teammates Adam LaRoche and Tom Gorzelanny have attention deficit disorder, often exhibiting a lack of interest and focus. Said one Pirates fan, “Finally! Some players who are truly in touch with how we feel.”

Researchers in south Mexico uncovered evidence that 1,500 years ago, people ate meals closely resembling modern-day Mexican cuisine. They found remains of crushed chili peppers, rolled corn husks, and Mayan pyramid drawings depicting a pissed-off roommate desperately trying to crack a window.

Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff faced harsh criticism for inciting fear when he said he had a “gut feeling we’ll be hit by terrorists by the end of the year”. He later clarified his remarks, saying, “By ‘end of the year’, I meant to say ‘by August’. And by ‘terrorists’, I meant to say ‘David Beckham and Posh Spice’. And by ‘hit by’, I meant to say ‘incredibly bored with’.”

Matthew Lesko, the boisterous entrepreneur who wears a suit covered with question marks, is adding rap music to his next infomercial. He later explained, “I want to topple that ‘Apply directly to the forehead’ lady as the most annoying commercial voice ever.”

The Detroit chapter of the NAACP held a funeral for the “N Word”. They even wrote an obituary, where it was revealed that the deceased is survived by his C-Word wife. (Repeated from an earlier topical jokes posting due to another N word funeral)

The upcoming film “Bratz” will feature a theme song written by twelve-year-old Daechelle Hernandez. This just proves my point that Latin immigrants write songs for the movies Americans don’t want to see.

Bill Proenza, Director of the National Hurricane Center, went on leave after several employees said he undermined public confidence by exaggerating satellite problems. They also hated his incessant habit of walking into the break room singing, “Here I am! …Rock you like a hurricane!!!!”

Ford Motors announced tentative plans to make a car powered with hemp, an environmentally friendly fuel source also used to make marijuana. Said a Ford spokesman, “This is a car that both Al Gore and his son can be proud of.”

The FBI is investigating NBA referee Tim Donaghy under suspicion that he bet on games, including ones in which he officiated. Those close to the situation believe that Donaghy thought he could get away with it, because judging by the TV ratings, he figured the NBA no longer had any witnesses.