Some viewers are raising concerns that Cesar Millan, TV’s “Dog Whisperer”, is using tactics that seem abusive. In response, he told his critics that his methods are proven to be effective, but admits the dogs tend to act skittish and run away when he wears his Michael Vick jersey.

President Bashar Assad of Syria won re-election after getting 97% of the vote. At one point in his victory speech, he addressed the three percent who voted against him: “I told you that voting for Ralph Nader was pointless.”

Regal Cinemas created a remote control so patrons can alert management of any problems in the theatre. A consumer obviously didn’t invent it, because there’s no button that says “Holy crap…another penguin movie? Are you kidding me?”

Because college players are getting much better at long-range jumpshots, the NCAA is moving the 3-point line back to 20-feet, 9-inches. For the exact opposite reason, the NBA will move the free-throw-line five feet closer to the basket.

Candy maker Jelly Belly introduced a line of cologne, with their signature scent the “Wild Blackberry Peach Cobbler” fragrance. It’s the perfect gift for guys who like to attract both grizzly bears and hungry fat chicks.

After signing a deal to coach the Orlando Magic, Billy Donovan went back to the University of Florida. As part of a big misunderstanding, Al Sharpton demanded a public apology when he heard Donovan’s desire to “renege”.

A week after infamous email spammer Robert Alan Soloway was finally arrested, inmates have asked to be relocated. Apparently, after his first prison shower, Soloway constantly asked them if they’d like to increase their stamina or penis size.

A Bible-themed park is set to open in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. Neighbors are concerned about traffic and noise, not to mention the view that you must be this tall to receive salvation.

To raise money for local causes, Madison, WI is hosting a bratwurst festival. When they promoted it as “The Ultimate Brat Party”, they automatically received an RSVP from Paris Hilton. (She can’t make it.)

Moorhead High School in Minnesota dropped their cheerleading squad because too few students tried out. Maybe girls didn’t like doing that whole “We Love Moorhead” chant.

Florida A&M basketball coach Mike Gillespie was arrested for stalking an ex-girlfriend. He was ordered to keep his distance, or what he calls “playing zone”.

Professional magician Jack Turk is running for a county seat in Washington. If he’s elected, President Bush will ask him to find a quarter behind 100 trillion ears to help pay for the Iraq war…then if there’s enough time, wave a wand over the Mexican border.

New Hampshire will soon ban smoking in public buildings. They will then revise their motto from “Live Free or Die” to “Live Kinda Free or Die Slowly…Outside…Away From Others…Seriously…(sarcastic cough)…That’s Not Cool, Man.”

Paris Hilton claims that the title of “convict” is one she feels she does not deserve, bringing the count now to two c-words.

U.S. citizens will be able to travel without a passport if they can show they’ve applied for one. Those without proper paperwork are advised to either not travel or contract tuberculosis and enter the country from Canada.

A federal judge froze the assets of Rep. William Jefferson. When he heard the ruling, Jefferson said, “I already did that. Oh…you don’t mean literally frozen, do you?”

Historians recently discovered a letter from Abraham Lincoln to General George Meade in which the President advises the general to pursue the rebels after defeating them at Gettysburg. Meade, however, thought Lincoln was kidding because at the bottom it said, “p.s. Dude…Mary Todd’s sister totally likes you. I heard it from her bff Constance.”

Over 100,000 girl scouts gathered in Washington D.C. to celebrate their 95th anniversary. They played games, shared stories, and asked each other, “Seriously, besides the cookie thing, what is it that we do again?”

The Anaheim Ducks won NHL’s Stanley Cup after beating the Ottawa Senators. They actually topped the senators twice, because ironically, the only thing their championship beat in the ratings was a telecast of actual senators on C-Span. Nobody watched, Ducks, but kudos anyway.