Google’s first quarter profits reached a billion dollars, skyrocketing past what anyone expected. What’s weird is that in January, the company announced an earning forecast of $570 million and their computers replied, “Did you mean one billion dollars???”

The story of Spiderman is being made into a Broadway musical. Everything about the superhero will remain the same, except his name will be Gay Spiderman.

Former tennis stars Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf made headlines when during a fundraiser, Agassi hit Graf in the head with a racquet. It looked like an accident until he explained that their love in fact means nothing.

Crime-scene experts from Britain are introducing forensic techniques to the Iraq war zone. For added appeal, CSI star David Caruso may join, making the Pentagon nervous that the imminent third-degree sunburn to the redhead will count as another casualty.

Gerber has been purchased by Nestle, just when you thought American babies couldn’t get fatter.

After failing to make their respective playoffs, Columbus Blue Jackets General Manager Doug MacLean and Indiana Pacers coach Rick Carlisle were fired. In a force of habit, Alberto Gonzalez said, “I know for a fact that I had nothing to do with those. I swear.”

Defense officials announced that military combat tours will extend to 15 months. Attempting to be sent home early, some brave soldiers will begin calling Iraqis a bunch of nappy-headed hos.

The U.S. Postal Service unveiled a set of 15 commemorative stamps featuring Star Wars characters. Also for sale…a set of return-address stickers that read, “My Mom’s Basement.”

Several inmates in an Arkansas prison are enrolled in a course that teaches plant identification and intermediate horticulture. The warden said the program, “provides skills prisoners can use after they’re released”. Sounds like skills that got them arrested.

A stolen statue of Revolutionary War hero Nathan Hale was recovered in Connecticut. No one has been arrested yet, but the local police chief said, “I only regret that I have but one ass-kicking to give the guy who did this.”

Major League Soccer is building bigger stadiums, with some having over 20,000 seats. I think it’s time someone tell them the complete, unabridged quote from Field of Dreams… “If you build it, they will come….unless of course we’re talking about soccer.”

Members of the University of Nebraska’s rowing team were forced overboard into choppy waters when winds caused their boat to flip. After the harrowing experience, the crew was shaken, but their coach said, “That’s the most excitement we’ve ever seen in this sport.”

Def Leppard has announced plans for an upcoming tour. The band is combining its old age with corporate sponsorship to come up with a very appropriate tour name: “Pour Some Splenda on Me”.