The Cartoon Network accidentally created a terrorism scare when they placed blinking lights around Boston as part of a new marketing campaign. Most Bostonians, however, weren’t fazed. In fact, Ted Kennedy told TV executives… “You wanna scare me? Put those flashing lights in my rearview mirror when I’m driving around Chappaquiddick.”

Some critics claim the violent torture displayed on Fox’s hit show 24 may influence real government agents in the field. Fox strongly disagrees, saying that if they wanted to glorify torture, they would develop a spinoff to The O.C.

Dick Vitale is a finalist for the basketball Hall of Fame. If inducted, his bronze plaque will feature his whole face, not just the part that’s constantly kissing Duke’s ass.

It has been alleged that eight football recruits at the University of Cincinnati engaged in sexual misconduct with a female soccer player during an official campus visit. Everything was consensual, but school officials are livid and promise that next time, they’ll remember Title IX and add at least two more soccer players.

Ottawa Senators coach Bryan Murray became just the fifth NHL coach ever to notch 600 wins. And just like the four previous coaches, the milestone caused Americans everywhere to say in one collective voice… “I’m sorry…who?”

The next Dancing with the Stars will feature Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills. Regarding her upcoming performance on the show, an ABC executive said, “It’s quite the feat. Or foot. Oh no, can I re-do that please?”

Showing her Catholic upbringing, Britney Spears walked into a salon last week and publicly announced her intention to give up stability for Lent. A judge in the upcoming child custody case for Spears and Kevin Federline told the media, “Well that playing field just got leveled in a hurry.” Spears’ hair will be sold on eBay to raise money for the charity calling itself People Who Care About More Important Things But Are Force Fed Stories Like This Crap By Certain Mediaheads Who Actually Think They’re Newsworthy. The group hopes to hit its goal that was created after they declared they really didn’t give a shit about Anna Nicole’s baby.

Jet Blue unveiled its new passenger “Bill of Rights”. Amazingly, it turned out to be very similar to the actual Bill of Rights. For example, it includes the right for passengers to assemble……for hours……whether they want to or not. Furthermore, travelers at any point may exercise their freedoms of religion and speech, like when they wish to exclaim, “Oh for the love of Christ…are we still on the tarmac?”

The University of Illinois will retire its Chief Illiniwek mascot. The NCAA ruled that it’s demeaning to native Americans, and the school cannot keep it unless they start to win as much as Florida State.

Prince Harry will serve in Iraq by the beginning of March. He said, “The idea of not serving my duty with my military brothers is as absurd as the antiquated idea of a royal bloodline. Oh, crap, was that out loud?”

Volkswagen dropped a commercial in which a man contemplates suicide before hearing that VWs now sell for under $17,000. The car company admitted the ad was in poor taste, especially since the man would still consider killing himself once he realizes the car has left him even more shunned by the ladies.

During an upcoming episode of Dirt, Courtney Cox shares an on-screen kiss with Jennifer Anniston. Cox called it “a big case of nothingness”, at which point David Arquette appeared asking, “Did you call me?”

This past Valentine’s Day, zoos across the country displayed the mating rituals of various species. Grown men everywhere were brought to tears at the sight of animals getting laid on Valentine’s Day without having to buy a thing.

Baseball will replace the traditional wool caps this year for a new polyester blend that prevents sweat from getting everywhere. The hats, of course, would only benefit players who are very active on gameday. Which means that the old hat will be just as effective for the guy who hands out tomahawks to fair-weather Braves fans.

Ken Griffey, Jr. broke his throwing hand while playing with his kids. Lesson for the Griffey family…rock doesn’t really smash scissors.

North Korea agreed to shut down its nuclear program for $300 million and 50,000 tons of fuel oil. Condaleeza Rice said that if Kim Jong Il held out longer, the international community would also have thrown in coupons to Supercuts and LensCrafters to make him look more like a dictator of a powerful nation and less like the dictator of a lesbian softball team.

Odometers on over six million Hondas have been declared imprecise. Drivers first noticed a mileage discrepancy when directions from Mapquest actually became accurate.

Billy Bob Thornton revealed that in making “Astronaut Farmer”, he painstakingly studied the details of NASA and astronaut living. Let’s hope the film gets good reviews, or else Thornton may drive cross-country with a car full of diapers just to mace a critic at an airport.