The number of liquor licenses in Boston is not keeping up with the city’s rising population. As a result, hundreds of local bars and restaurants are forced to stay dry. “It’s bad for business. Without liquor, nobody needs me,” said a bartender near Fenway Park. “Ditto,” said a fat chick.

Ford announced that the Taurus has reached its end. In a huge misunderstanding at company headquarters, all employees born between April 20 and May 20 were shot.

Scientists at the University of Kentucky have developed a safer pill bottle. “Pill Safe” uses a small amount of rocket fuel to ignite the bottle’s contents if someone tries to get more than the necessary amount of pills out at once. That’s a great idea, because if it’s one thing suicidal people need, it’s condensed rocket fuel. Engineers also plan to design a gun that explodes with dynamite if pointed at your own head.

Bill Foss of St. Joseph, Minnesota won the prize for growing the biggest pumpkin after it tipped the scales at 1,213 pounds. Foss won a blue ribbon, $1,000 cash, and a job with BALCO.

At a special event last week, radio hosts from around the country broadcast live from the White House lawn, where they interviewed administration officials and top senators. With that many talking heads and politicians present at once, head groundskeepers said the lawn won’t need fertilizing for at least a year.

In a special promotion, Taco Bell offered everyone in America a beef taco if any player hit a homerun to left field in Game 3 of the World Series. With no round-trippers that game, the restaurant paid nothing. Domino’s, however, is bankrupt after offering a free pizza to every household any time a Tigers pitcher made a throwing error.

In Beloit, Wisconsin, a symbolic funeral was held to lay to rest the offensive term known as the “n-word”. The deceased is survived by his c-word wife and his S.O.B. kids.

A man who became lost more than 1,000 miles away from his home last month claims he suffered severe amnesia and cannot recall his own life nor recognize his fiancé. Somewhere, that Runaway Bride girl is kicking herself, saying, “Ah, dammit! Amnesia! I should have thought of that one!”

In a recent Harris Interactive survey of movie fans, Paris Hilton is the celebrity that people would most like to see as a victim in a horror movie. When the poll results were released, 100% of male respondents admitted their mistake: “Oh, wait…hor-ror movie?”

Software companies in California plan to design video games that promote better health to kids. Because if it’s one thing a bunch of fat kids needs, it’s more video games.

Famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking is divorcing his wife. The man’s a genius.

A company in Michigan is selling Major League Baseball team logos on caskets for those literal die-hard sports fans. The city of Chicago is concerned, however, that the Cubs logo will keep the deceased from reaching the promised land.

A recent study of hospitals has revealed that the number of men who rush to the ER is significantly lower during sporting events than after. It should be noted that this study was taken in Florida, where most post-game hospital guests just brawled with the University of Miami football team.

Over 2,000 people were vaccinated in Maryland at the country’s first ever drive-thru flu clinic. Everyone praised the convenience, only to realize after getting home that their order was totally screwed up.

A 70-year-old nursing home resident is accused of slashing her roommate with a pair of scissors. In an unfortunate state of confusion, the victim tried to defend herself with paper instead of rock.

An old woman was arrested after using bogus names and identities of 17 fictitious children to bilk welfare programs out of thousands of dollars. Lori Thompson was busted when she told welfare officials that she lived in a shoe.

India has officially changed the name of Bangalore to “Bengaluru”. The announcement continues a recent trend that has seen Bombay become Mumbai, Madras become Chennai, and Calcutta become Kolkata. When you phone AOL customer service, however, tech assistants will continue to say they’re from Cincinnati.

Hundreds of kilos of cocaine washed ashore a beach in Portugal last month. The country’s navy suspected a problem when fish in the area wouldn’t shut the hell up.