Wendy’s has named Kerrii Anderson its CEO and president. The company only wanted Anderson to be CEO, but the extra weight of president was added after they factored in the trans fat.

Three of four South Carolina students passed their high school exit exam this year. One of four students reportedly said, “90% passed? That’s mad awesome!”

After accusing Michael J. Fox of exaggerating the symptoms of Parkinson’s disease, Rush Limbaugh has finally apologized. Then he added, “But Muhammed Ali is totally faking his blackness!”

After a comprehensive review of airplane accidents, aviation safety experts reported that “a majority of unfortunate incidents happen to very good pilots”. Northwest Airlines replied, “So that makes us really safe, people!”

In an effort to cope with hungry bears that forage for food, officials in Monrovia, CA will distribute steel-reinforced trash cans to its residents. Next week’s city council agenda…Coping with hungry, and now really pissed-off bears.

A woman was sent to prison in Milwaukee for killing another woman with a pipe wrench. The conviction was almost overturned because when the verdict was read, the smartass lead juror said, “Mrs. Peacock, with a pipe wrench, in the billiards room.”

Two Cleveland Browns supporters were on their way to a game when a Greyhound bus accidentally dumped human waste on their car. Had they not been protected by the windshield, the shit would have hit the fans.

Passengers at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport can get a flu shot before boarding their flights. Great…another reason for babies to cry in an airport. Thanks, Chicago!

The filming of Live Free or Die Hard, another installment in the Bruce Willis movie series, is slowing traffic around LA. Movie producers apologize, and suggest that if people would rather see no traffic, they should come back for the release of Live Free or Die Hard.

After renovating its outdoor gallery, the Joslyn Art Museum in Omaha will rename sections of the parking area after famous artists. Visitors should be warned, however, that the Jackson Pollock spaces are a bitch to figure out.

The Chinese government is prohibiting households from owning more than one dog. Canines throughout the country plan to assemble at Tiananmen Square in the first ever “Scoot Your Ass for Freedom” march.

Retailers are frantically trying to put more PlayStation 3s and Wiis on their shelves. The re-supply means that customers across the country have once again dodged their phobias of both reading and exercising.

Russian cosmonaut Mikhail Tyurin will hit a golf ball from the international space station. He hopes the ball will orbit Earth at least once, but if it only makes it to red China, Tyurin will have to hit the next shot with his dick out of his pants.